Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
