Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
