As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
