After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
