you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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