Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
