Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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