the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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