i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize