Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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