im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Randomize
