she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
