If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
