Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
