oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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