it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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