I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
