this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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