Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
