I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The adults are the big ones right?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
