Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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