Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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