talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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