Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
