my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
