i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
