How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
