I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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