He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
