Already got asked if we're dating
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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