Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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