Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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