So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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