my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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