Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
