First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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