Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
