dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
