i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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