I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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