Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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