Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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