Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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