After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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