How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
