12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
