I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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