nut hugger
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
