have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
