at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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