11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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