I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize