I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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