Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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