Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
