I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
