Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
