I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he wants to bone in the snuggie
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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