please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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